To Lauren

Dear Lauren,

I thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Tom Cruise every single day that you are my internet friend. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you to rip me to shreds and make me feel like less of a person every single day. I know you are IM cheating on me with others and I thought we were closer than that. I thought I was your bestie. I guess not. I know now that you shove me aside for cupcakes, so it's cool; at least I know where I stand now. You hurt me Laurentard, you hurt me right here. You can't see me, but I have my hand over my heart. I think it's breaking. If you want to stop this jog with me, I understand. If you need to reach me, I'll be in my glass case of emotion.