My Husband’s Birthday

My husband turned 27 on Sunday, so we celebrated on Saturday with some friends by going out on our boat and meeting up with another couple who have a boat who are older than us, they have kids our age. We went to an island not far from where we keep the boat and were all swimming and chillin’ and having a good time playing with my daughter. Before we had gotten on the water, the couple with the other boat called to tell me that the wife had 2 friends that were going to be on the boat. So when we got to their house, I met one of the two friends. Her name was Laurel* and she was very sweet. So as we are all hanging out on the water, this manly looking woman comes out of the cabin and sits on the bow of the boat. She’s super friendly and is talking to me and my daughter. Time goes by and everyone is in and out of the water, just basically having a good time. Well, manly woman jumps in the water and takes a short swim, then heads over in between the two boats and comes to stand with us on the shore where my daughter was having a ball trying to eat sand. She’s wearing some black shorts and a white racer-back tank top made from like spandex…with nothing underneath it. Seriously, we got a free show until her top dried. If that had been me, I’d have charged $5.00 per person to see my goods. My friends had a field day. Sarcastic comments and looks were flying. Now, this woman and her partner are in their 40’s. Get the picture…I could have lived the rest of my life without seeing this dude-chick’s pipples.

The day goes on and we head back to shore to get ready for the BBQ at our house. After showering, our peeps start to arrive and we are all just chillin’ on the porch and stuff. Well, my husband had invited that couple over because they were really cool and we all had fun, plus we didn’t want to be rude since we were talking about the BBQ in front of them. They accepted our invite and came bearing freshly baked brownies. Score!! All is well, everyone’s drinking having fun and let’s call the dude-chick Trudy*, so Trudy starts a toast for my husband’s birthday, we all raise our glasses and then Trudy who apparently is a singer decides to start singing Happy Birthday a la Marilyn Monroe to my husband. Well, you have to understand one thing about my husband; he likes to be around people, but NOT to be the center of attention. So he runs from her across the porch with her in pursuit (still singing!!) and she grabs him and starts massaging his shoulders while completing the song. She was about 2 inches shorter than my 6 foot 2 husband – OMG! I didn’t realize how tall she was! My husband turned 10 shades of tomato face and then things resumed again and the drinking continued.

Laurel then told me the funniest story I think I have ever heard. It went something like this…she has a son who is 17 from her marriage to her ex-husband before she realized she was gay. Now that her and Trudy have been together for awhile, they frequent local gay bars. When Laurel goes to these gay bars, she snags all the free pink condoms she can and puts them in her son’s night stand because even though he says he’s not sexually active with his girlfriend, she doesn’t believe him and IF he’s going to be man enough to have sex, he’d better be man enough to put on a pink condom. Well, apparently last week his bathroom was dirty so she went in to clean it and found an entire garbage can of used pink condoms. She’s freaking out not only because he has the balls to leave them just sitting in the trash, but he has taken them off wrong and she hopes that his girlfriend isn’t pregnant. She got a phone call from him later that day, while having a champagne picnic on the water with her girlfriend, so she excused herself for a moment to have a talk with her son. She asked him why there were 100 condoms in the trash and how could he be so stupid to take them off like that, is his girlfriend pregnant? And faster than she could finish her sentence he says to her, “Mom, my girlfriend puts the condoms on her feet and kicks me with them. It’s the weirdest feeling. When you get home I’m going to put a condom on my foot and kick you with it so you can feel it too.” – How in the hell could that not be true; nobody could think up a bull shit story that ridiculous that fast. So she declined the offer to be kicked with a condom-wrapped foot and took his word for it.

*not that person’s real name, duh.